I’m going to be blatantly honest about something. I really hate change. Honestly, hate truthfully doesn’t even describe it. In fact, I resorted to using a thesaurus on this one because every word that came to mind just didn’t do it for me. The best I could come up with is that I recoil from change!
I know, I know. It’s a bit excessive. But I have a habit of thinking that once things establish a pattern, that pattern should never change. Jobs, friends, residence, hair color… Ok, maybe not that last one because I tend to have fun with changing that rather frequently. 😉
However, over the last year I’ve had an awful lot of conversations with God about change. Let me be truthful in saying that I’ve really had it out with Him about this. I desperately want to embrace it, but something always holds me back.
Walking into the unknown and removing myself from what I know instills fear in me but for reasons I wasn’t identifying with before.
I was telling myself that if I established a good routine, people would view me as being “well put together.”
I was telling myself that if I excelled at something within my career, I wouldn’t have to deviate away from what I did well.
I was telling myself that if I was comfortable with the people I normally spent time with, that I could afford to unmask faults that I’d be afraid to show to someone new.
To me, change has always meant that I would expose a weakness. That I wouldn’t have time to prepare and perfect the situation I was walking into. And, if I didn’t have time to prepare and perfect, that experience would leave others with a disappointment.
So after months of wrestling with these thoughts and handing them over, God has been pretty straight with me. It’s not that I should feel the need to embrace change. It’s all about learning to embrace me.
I cried halfway to work this morning because I could feel those walls coming down. I could feel the tension leaving my body with an exhale of air I’ve held in my lungs for, what’s felt like, months. I was burning a plow so that I’d have nothing to go back to.
For the first time in 37 years I feel like I can back away from the comfort of what I know. I can let go of the comfort of my routine because each day does not have to be managed down to the last second which equates to perfection in my mind. I can venture into new areas of my career and embrace those things that I so want to learn but have never had the courage to try. I can embrace new relationships and know that being real is an important foundation to stand on with any friendship – established or not.
Finally, I recognize that God’s got this. He did not give me a spirit of fear. I can look at myself in the mirror and tell myself what rubbish I’ve been listening to for so long. I can nod my head and say “Thank you, Lord, for giving me a heart that encourages others. For giving me the talent to put my words into writing. For giving me a personality that makes those around me feel comfortable. For giving me a drive to learn new things and to overcome the fear that doesn’t come from You but from someone who wants to rob me of that right.
Change is good. It means I’m growing. It means that I’m moving forward to embrace who God has called me to be.
And that’s pretty alright…as unfamiliar as that sounds. <3 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. (Romans 12:2)
Today I’m linking up with the following authors to share my story:
Holley Gerth and Coffee For Your Heart
Oh, I hold on to the fact that He has not given us a spirit of fear, girl! I’m not so much with the change either, especially when I like where I’m at and can’t see any good reason for the change. But He always has a good reason. Cheering you on as you embrace the change.
I could have written your post title and the first few paragraphs in trying to describe my antipathy towards change ;). I’m discovering that my reasons involve wanting to be in control. For a very frightening 11 months of my life, my husband’s life hung in the balance and every day threw changes at me faster than I could cope with. Every since them, I’ve lost my ability to go with the flow and feel I merit advance warning (a day at least) of any changes in the schedule I have mapped out in my head. Slowly, ever so slowly, through writers like you, I’m realizing that I’ve never been in control and that I should embrace change (even if I have to embrace it slowly 😉 ).
I can relate to where you are coming from Anita. I have been through some really difficult things in the last couple of years and struggled with the need to be in control – there must be something I can or need to do to affect a better result. Through this struggle God has spoken to my heart time and time again to trust Him. Trusting Him is not being in control or having it all figured out – as I have heard Joyce Meyer say, “It is getting your mind off of the problem”. Resting in Him and His goodness sure sounds good – but how will it get fixed if I take my hands off of it? I pray that He would give us and anyone else who needs it the grace to keep our eyes on Him and His goodness and to rest in Him as dearly loved children. God bless you Anita
Oh, I get this. I’ve loved opposed change, but in recent years, I’m finding the goodness in smaller changes. That’s progress, huh? 🙂 God’s got you through any change that comes your way. I’m glad I linked up near you at Holley’s place.
I keep hoping that one day change will be easier. Nope, not so far. Keep going and keep pushing yourself!
I also find change to be scary, but I’m learning to embrace it because I’ve seen how change can be good. Change can get us to a better place, a place closer to God’s vision for our lives. I’m now in the middle of change and I’m anxious to get on with it – and get through it and to the other side. Be bold and take change one step at a time is what I’m learning.
Love this post- and I completely understand the feelings you describe! Change- even good change- can be scary and throw us off course. I am facing some changes in my job this week- added responsibilities that I’m glad to be able to be in charge of, but wondering when I’ll get them done as I already feel like my day is busy enough as is! Change of a son leaving for school in August, change as I take on an interim ministry position this summer at a church we’ve only been going to for a year…there’s a few things coming down the pike for me that has my stomach in some nervous knots, but I am trying to embrace God AND these changes! Thanks for this reminder!