I’m going to be blatantly honest about something. I really hate change. Honestly, hate truthfully doesn’t even describe it. In fact, I resorted to using a thesaurus on this one because every word that came to mind just didn’t do it for me. The best I could come up with is that I recoil from change!
I know, I know. It’s a bit excessive. But I have a habit of thinking that once things establish a pattern, that pattern should never change. Jobs, friends, residence, hair color… Ok, maybe not that last one because I tend to have fun with changing that rather frequently. 😉
However, over the last year I’ve had an awful lot of conversations with God about change. Let me be truthful in saying that I’ve really had it out with Him about this. I desperately want to embrace it, but something always holds me back.
Walking into the unknown and removing myself from what I know instills fear in me but for reasons I wasn’t identifying with before.
I was telling myself that if I established a good routine, people would view me as being “well put together.”
I was telling myself that if I excelled at something within my career, I wouldn’t have to deviate away from what I did well.
I was telling myself that if I was comfortable with the people I normally spent time with, that I could afford to unmask faults that I’d be afraid to show to someone new.
To me, change has always meant that I would expose a weakness. That I wouldn’t have time to prepare and perfect the situation I was walking into. And, if I didn’t have time to prepare and perfect, that experience would leave others with a disappointment.
So after months of wrestling with these thoughts and handing them over, God has been pretty straight with me. It’s not that I should feel the need to embrace change. It’s all about learning to embrace me.
I cried halfway to work this morning because I could feel those walls coming down. I could feel the tension leaving my body with an exhale of air I’ve held in my lungs for, what’s felt like, months. I was burning a plow so that I’d have nothing to go back to.
For the first time in 37 years I feel like I can back away from the comfort of what I know. I can let go of the comfort of my routine because each day does not have to be managed down to the last second which equates to perfection in my mind. I can venture into new areas of my career and embrace those things that I so want to learn but have never had the courage to try. I can embrace new relationships and know that being real is an important foundation to stand on with any friendship – established or not.
Finally, I recognize that God’s got this. He did not give me a spirit of fear. I can look at myself in the mirror and tell myself what rubbish I’ve been listening to for so long. I can nod my head and say “Thank you, Lord, for giving me a heart that encourages others. For giving me the talent to put my words into writing. For giving me a personality that makes those around me feel comfortable. For giving me a drive to learn new things and to overcome the fear that doesn’t come from You but from someone who wants to rob me of that right.
Change is good. It means I’m growing. It means that I’m moving forward to embrace who God has called me to be.
And that’s pretty alright…as unfamiliar as that sounds. <3 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. (Romans 12:2)
Today I’m linking up with the following authors to share my story: