This week’s Five Minute Friday prompt is on the word break.
I went everywhere with this word…literally. I’ve been so broken over the past 16 or so months that I just wanted to dwell on that place and write about “break” in that way. But something was hovering over my heart…a time when I had to look into the mirror and come to terms with a life that was unraveling at the speed of light. A life without really knowing Jesus.
It was a time where I had to break the silence…
I looked at my reflection in the mirror and I cried. I don’t know where the feelings were coming from. Feelings of failure. Failing my role as a mother. Failing real intimacy with the man I loved the most. Failing at chasing after the dreams God put upon my heart to instead embrace a place of something seemingly secure and non-changing…stagnant even.
All that yuck was bottled up inside of me and I didn’t know how to get it out. I took up hanging out after work and hitting the happy hour with coworkers.
That’s what people did, right? When things were falling apart?
It made me feel worse. I was never much of a drinker as it was.
The merry-go-round continued for months and I’d wake up in the middle of the night to straighten the pillows on the couch. If I kept it all in check nothing bad would happen, right? Make sure the door was locked before I left for work…once, twice…a third time just to make sure.
And did I leave the stove on?
It was out of control. My OCD. My confidence. My expectations I’d placed on myself as a wife and as a mother.
And He didn’t seem to be very near.
At least…not until I called out.
It was time to break the silence.
No one could help me but Him. I was searching and trying everything on for size to see if I could feel better. Finding confidence hiding under a rock somewhere, maybe. Finding the sanity that seemed to leave me as a child when I started this reckless cycle of checking and checking and checking again to make sure it was all perfect and in place.
Bad things happened when it wasn’t in place.
I could hear Him when I called out.
It was quick. I can almost feel it all happening again when I let myself reflect on those days…that year of 2007 when hell just seemed to break loose in my head.
This seemingly normal, kind, intelligent girl fell apart.
But He stepped in and I let go.
Little by little it just started leaving my life. I could hear the door close behind it and I felt lighter each and every time. It was nothing short of a miracle.
It blew me away.
Jonathon’s prayers “God give us speed to your works” became real. Instantaneous.
Eight years later we are still in a whirlwind of “this is not normal…how can He work this fast?”
We talked through the raw of our relationship. The things I kept hidden because it was just safer there. The things we could do differently as parents. We learned what “serving” really meant and I fell into a world of devouring Bible study.
Because of that break in the silence.
Because I called out. To Him. After several years of losing face…losing faith.
I cried and told Him how miserable I was and how I knew nothing in this world would fix me. That only He could. I didn’t understand how and I sure didn’t know Him well…but I knew at a young age when I called…He answered.
Because I broke the silence.
He will then ‘break your chains and throw off your shackles.’ (Psalm 2:3, emphasis mine)
I went a little over this week. I think I was talking in circles, but it kind of felt good to just get it all out. It’s not a time I was proud of or even like to acknowledge because none of it seemed real. It was as though I stepped out of who I really was to try and be what the world wanted me to be.
I know I’m not the only one. This is what we do when we don’t follow Christ. It’s always about fitting in and developing an image…and the thing about that is that we never feel better.
The world will try and tell you that you’re not good enough. It will spoon feed you a guilt sundae topped with ample amounts of whipped cream to help you choke it all down. And the longer we’re silent…the longer we keep our struggles from God as we refuse to cry out for His help…the more worldly baggage we’ll be carrying around as our backsides spread from eating so much of that guilt. So much of the not-enoughs or the someday-I’ll-be… So much of that striving for perfection as we try and protect ourselves from showing people who we really are.
We’re made for so much more. So. Much. More.
Won’t you join me this week for Five Minute Friday over at Kate Motaung’s page? We’d love to see you there! Just familiarize yourself with this page first, no editing, and set your watch for five minutes.