This week’s Five Minute Friday prompt is on the word break.
I went everywhere with this word…literally. I’ve been so broken over the past 16 or so months that I just wanted to dwell on that place and write about “break” in that way. But something was hovering over my heart…a time when I had to look into the mirror and come to terms with a life that was unraveling at the speed of light. A life without really knowing Jesus.
It was a time where I had to break the silence…
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Break
Start:
I looked at my reflection in the mirror and I cried. I don’t know where the feelings were coming from. Feelings of failure. Failing my role as a mother. Failing real intimacy with the man I loved the most. Failing at chasing after the dreams God put upon my heart to instead embrace a place of something seemingly secure and non-changing…stagnant even.
All that yuck was bottled up inside of me and I didn’t know how to get it out. I took up hanging out after work and hitting the happy hour with coworkers.
That’s what people did, right? When things were falling apart?
It made me feel worse. I was never much of a drinker as it was.
The merry-go-round continued for months and I’d wake up in the middle of the night to straighten the pillows on the couch. If I kept it all in check nothing bad would happen, right? Make sure the door was locked before I left for work…once, twice…a third time just to make sure.
And did I leave the stove on?
It was out of control. My OCD. My confidence. My expectations I’d placed on myself as a wife and as a mother.
And He didn’t seem to be very near.
At least…not until I called out.
It was time to break the silence.
No one could help me but Him. I was searching and trying everything on for size to see if I could feel better. Finding confidence hiding under a rock somewhere, maybe. Finding the sanity that seemed to leave me as a child when I started this reckless cycle of checking and checking and checking again to make sure it was all perfect and in place.
Bad things happened when it wasn’t in place.
I could hear Him when I called out.
It was quick. I can almost feel it all happening again when I let myself reflect on those days…that year of 2007 when hell just seemed to break loose in my head.
This seemingly normal, kind, intelligent girl fell apart.
But He stepped in and I let go.
Little by little it just started leaving my life. I could hear the door close behind it and I felt lighter each and every time. It was nothing short of a miracle.
His miracle.
It blew me away.
Jonathon’s prayers “God give us speed to your works” became real. Instantaneous.
Eight years later we are still in a whirlwind of “this is not normal…how can He work this fast?”
We talked through the raw of our relationship. The things I kept hidden because it was just safer there. The things we could do differently as parents. We learned what “serving” really meant and I fell into a world of devouring Bible study.
Because of that break in the silence.
Because I called out. To Him. After several years of losing face…losing faith.
I cried and told Him how miserable I was and how I knew nothing in this world would fix me. That only He could. I didn’t understand how and I sure didn’t know Him well…but I knew at a young age when I called…He answered.
Because I broke the silence.
He will then ‘break your chains and throw off your shackles.’ (Psalm 2:3, emphasis mine)
Stop
I went a little over this week. I think I was talking in circles, but it kind of felt good to just get it all out. It’s not a time I was proud of or even like to acknowledge because none of it seemed real. It was as though I stepped out of who I really was to try and be what the world wanted me to be.
I know I’m not the only one. This is what we do when we don’t follow Christ. It’s always about fitting in and developing an image…and the thing about that is that we never feel better.
The world will try and tell you that you’re not good enough. It will spoon feed you a guilt sundae topped with ample amounts of whipped cream to help you choke it all down. And the longer we’re silent…the longer we keep our struggles from God as we refuse to cry out for His help…the more worldly baggage we’ll be carrying around as our backsides spread from eating so much of that guilt. So much of the not-enoughs or the someday-I’ll-be… So much of that striving for perfection as we try and protect ourselves from showing people who we really are.
We’re made for so much more. So. Much. More.
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Won’t you join me this week for Five Minute Friday over at Kate Motaung’s page?  We’d love to see you there!  Just familiarize yourself with this page first, no editing, and set your watch for five minutes.
Amen, my friend! Thank you for being vulnerable so that others might have hope. Yes, the world is pretty good at serving up ‘guilt sundaes’ –which seem so sweet and appetizing at first. May God continue to be with you on your journey towards healing (which always leads to Him).
Thank you, Anita. It feels good to finally be able to push that chair away from the table and leave the spoon alone.
What a lovely post Jennifer!! Sometime I feel like you describe above and thanks for remind me the source who I have to come to expect a miracle and a change on myself. May God continue blessing you
Thank you for visiting. I’m so glad that you found encouragement here!
Wow, thank you for sharing this- powerful friend!
Awe, thanks Katie!
Love your vulnerability & your willingness to expose yourself to us. It’s very helpful to so many reading it. Thank you for leading your readers back to the ONE who heals all & IS all!
Leisa, thank you for always being such an encouragement to me. I truly appreciate it – more than you know!
I’ve been wrestling with shame lately. I never attached myself to it much, because I thought it was a lot like guilt. But it’s different, and it’s washing over me – showing me how long I’ve actually lived in it’s shadow. It’s overwhelming.
Thank you for your authenticity and for sharing hope!
That’s an interesting perspective, Liz. Perhaps I need to examine the definitions of both to see which I struggle with the most. I must remember that Christ, too, scorned shame and now sits at the right hand of God. With His power, I also can let go of that shame.
Thank you for your honesty – I love how you broke the silence and experienced God breaking your chains! Lots of blessings to you!
Thank you for visiting, Katha! Blessings to you, as well.
Thank you for being so honest. I love that you found your brave and broke the silence.
Thank you, Amy! Praying for you this week, friend.
Oh my friend… I am so proud of you for ‘going there’ and being brave and vulnerable (–who knew that those two things are so closely tied together?) and this… I love this: “But He stepped in and I let go.”
Hallelujah and Amen, sister!
Karrilee, you haven’t seen nothin’ yet. I’m really starting to come clean in my writing. So liberating! Thank you for such encouragement and for speaking Jesus into my life. 🙂
Jennifer…what a powerful and honest testimony you have shared here. Your story is one I think many women walk through without realizing that they can cry out, that God does here, that with Him there are mira
(Yikes…premature posting!) … that with Him there are miracles. That just because there is silence it does not mean God is gone. I love that you were willing to share your breaking point with us and how God met you in that. I love who you are and everything that makes you that way. It’s been a joy getting to know you and I’m looking forward to learning more. Hugs!
Thank you, Tiffany. Truly. Thank you!
I, too, live with OCD. It’s hard to explain to people. You really do believe that the checking, the washing, the rituals will keep you safe. At the same time, you hate it. You know it’s not rational.
Thank you, my friend, for your honesty. And for reminding me today to turn my obsessive mind to Christ.
Marie, it IS very hard to explain to people – you’re right.. I still struggle with finding the words to even describe it to my husband. For years I wanted so badly to be able to express what it’s like…but now I’m content with knowing he’s praying for me and that we’re leaving the work up to God.
Beautifully written! I appreciate your transparency, your “realness.” When we break the silence, God steps in AND others receive hope. Hope in the fact that I’m not the only one who has walked this road, and that God is able to rescue me from myself! So glad I stopped over today, friend. You’re in good company. Much love!
Thank you, Julie, for that encouragement. I love your quote that “God is able to rescue me from myself.” This is so true…and He has! 🙂
What a brave post, friend! We’ve all been there, and, really, probably really are still there to some extent. So grateful God welcomes us when we break the silence.
Thank you for reading, Kristin!
There are times where one can read another’s words and know God put that person along your path for a reason. The way you write, with such conviction, boldness, and truth is nothing short of inspiring. Every week (since 2/19) I have been a devoted reader and pull such strength and wisdom and I thank God for placing you along my path knowing He is using your words to help shape and mold me into the woman He wants me to be. Thank you!!!
Shannon, what a wonderful, welcome message to me tonight. I am so eternally grateful for your kind words.