As I was texting a friend earlier this week I was filled with the desire to confess something personal. I had my doubts of whether to just let it go or to go ahead and send it out for her to see. There was an apprehensiveness that I would be putting this newfound comfort in a place where it could be under fire. I dislike getting ahead of myself…and thought that my feelings on the subject might dissolve into a mist once her eyes made contact with my words.
I think…I was just afraid I didn’t mean it.
But I sent it. And something about it seems final now. Permanent.
I spoke confidence.
I told her in that text that it was the best feeling in the world to like myself. Like really be ok with every last fiber of who I am and what makes me tick – for the first time in my life. I’ve been stretched the last few years as I’ve tried to spring up past the thickets, thorns and weeds. They’ve tried so hard to choke me out.
The truth is, sometimes I’d get comfortable stowing away in the shadows those things would cast around me and it would fool me into thinking I was safer down there. I allowed that feeling to conceal the person I needed to grow into. Wanted to grow in to, but…couldn’t.
And it really sunk in as I prepared a Sunday school lesson for this week on how much we need to remind ourselves and others of what is true and noble and right… We need to drown out the wrong voices and thoughts that are having a celebration in every corner of our minds. It’s easy to forget when that noise floats in and out of our heads causing us to doubt and fear our lives – paralyzing our faith.
I see changes tumble in on the horizon now. I brace myself, but the nauseous feeling isn’t so daunting anymore. I’m learning to roll with them, like large waves rolling into the boat dock at the lake where I spent so much time as a kid. I trust now that Somebody has placed my feet just where they need to be to safely stand through it all.
It doesn’t mean that I’m never afraid. Christine Caine said in her message at IF Gathering that “being faithful doesn’t mean you’re fearless. It just means that you have more faith than fear.”
So, instead of settling on anxious thoughts, I ask for wisdom. Wisdom to entwine my mind around every last detail of those changes. To note the difference in my heart. Then…vs now.
I told her, “I’m not perfect,” but He’s laid a gentle hand where I need it most, showing me where He can work through that weakness. He and I, we still work together to leave some hard things at the foot of the cross.
I told her that I wanted to embrace growing into my forties. Becoming a more attentive wife and a more patient mother. I would be so disheartened over dirty floors and sticky fingers on the furniture but I’m learning that it’s another mess that I should proudly embrace because it means there are still little people in the house to spill things. Little fingers to kiss.
And it’s ok if last night’s dinner was only peanut butter and jelly as long as they’re nourished in tummy, but more importantly in their hearts and minds as we sit around the table enjoying who we all are. Together.
And I want to embrace all of those little things that make me…me.
I love reading late into the night, but I don’t do it much now because four children is a lot, you guys, and I need my sleep. But I’m setting my mind to doing it every once in awhile. 😉
And I realized just how much I love the sky yet I never write about it. Why is that?
My teapot collection sits packed away, waiting for me to host another ladies tea. Did you know that tea tastes better from a teapot? So I’m on a mission to use them all and use them often, never minding from this day forward that they take a few extra minutes to clean.
I love memories and wonderful friendships. Like getting lost in the winding roads of Arkansas on our way to one of the most overestimated places I’ve ever been…yet loving every last detail surrounding that experience.
I like me. And I like all of those wonderful details that make me who I am, quirky or not. And I want myself to allow this faith…His powerful grace that I’ve been given…to drape over my fears. I want to put it on like a warm blanket and walk into these next phases of my future with a Godfidance. Confidence in where God is taking me and what only He can do. I want to cherish every last detail along the way. Even the difficult ones.
I want to make silly faces into the camera with my son and remember to say, “Thank you, Lord. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I maybe not always have the approval of others, but I have Yours. And I am finding You in every single detail of my life.”
Great post Jennifer. Im still learning to like all things about myself. Its hard! I am still having to get used to that nauseous feeling. It still feels daunting at times but I think it was Jenny Allen that said in her book Restless..she basically said-Get used to it!
Kortney, I know the feeling. Some days are better than others, but I truly feel I’ve passed a milestone. I try not to let myself dwell on the fact that it’s taken so long. Half my life, I would assume, and that’s assuming I live another 37 years. 😉 But I’m grateful for the lessons God is revealing and the heart changes I’ve been going through. I seriously wouldn’t trade this feeling for anything.